What can the maid of honor wear? She’s not so manly to wear a tux, but not so girly to wear a dress or skirt!
Ok, here’s the situation. I asked a good friend of mine who I look at as a sister-from-another-mother to be my maid of honor. She won’t wear a dress or skirt, or anything ultra-girly. She’s girly, but not that much.
So, we’ve compromised with her wearing dressy slacks. My suggestion was for her to wear a separates top from Davids Bridal. When we went to try them on with the other bridesmaids and my friends- she got upset, cried, and said it was too girly, and there were no other options for her.
For her, dressed up for a wedding is a button down shirt and slacks. I told her she needs to wear nicer than that, and we need to find a compromise. Many people have suggested that I make her wear what I want, since I’m the bride- but I don’t feel right doing that, because I respect her for who she is. Other people have suggested that if she’s not comfortable with what I want her to wear, (or I’m not comfortable with her choice of attire) that I should ask someone else to be MoH. Help!
More details- she lives in a state a plane ride away, and I won’t be seeing her again until the weekend of our wedding- next year.
Her mom suggested she could get something made. A friend of hers offered to go shopping with her.
How can we find something that is appropriate, but not too-girly and not too-manly? This has to be the most difficult part of the whole wedding planning!
I don’t want to lose a friend over this, we’ve already discussed this several times, and agreed that she wants to be the maid of honor still, and I want her to do it, but what can I do? I don’t want to be bridezilla and lose a friend, or be so mean as to say she can’t be in it because she can’t wear what I want her to. Plus, it seems like she’s not as into planning and doing stuff as I’d like. She is in school, miles away, younger than me, and very strong-headed!
My other bridesmaids are wearing dresses, but I have no idea what color, because I want to make sure that everything is coordinated a little.
Much of what people are answering is what I hear from my closest girlfriends- many of whom have said they’d step in if I needed them.
However, I’m trying to be respectful of my MoH, and of her and her explanation of “not wanting to compromise herself for others”. I’ve told her I’m not trying to have her do that- but she knows other lesbians who have, and they’ve felt aweful doing it. I’m almost at the point where my head’s going to blow!
Then, if I do ask her not to be in it, and I ask someone else to step in- won’t that offend the other friend that I didn’t ask her in the first place? How do I go about doing that without upsetting MoH #2?
Oh, forgot to mention- she won’t wear heels, wants to cover up her top half, and we’re getting married during the summer- possibly outside.
Uh, more about how mid-way girly she is.
She wants someone to do her hair and makeup (She admits to not knowing how to do it herself)
She won’t wear heals
She does wear jewelry, even a little girly
She has piercings, but they don’t interfere with anything (just another point on the jewelry thing)
She has worn a skirt for other people who threatened her to wear it- and she’s bigger than me, could kick my ass, so not an option there.
Create a video blog…instantly.
Sticky Icky Icky, your wedding, it is about U YOU Y-O-U, friends can compromise on this one day to make your day a smash, friends can suck it up for a little. make her wear the dressy top for the actual ceremony and then allow her to change into whatever she wants for the reception after the good pictures are taken.
what people have told you is entirely right!!! your wedding is not about her its about you and your husdand to be!!!
if shes not willing to make a sacrafise for one day out of her life and wear what everyone else is, then she doesnt need to be apart of your wedding. yes thats harsh, but do you really want a bridesmaid or maid of honor that is totally against you? been there done that and i am no longer friends with my moh (for various other reasons) but she was the most difficult durring my wedding.
thats fine that shes not girly, but wearing a dress or skirt for one day is not going to kill her!!! i htink letting her wear pants while everyone else is a little silly, and may not look right, but if your willing to compromise and let her, then she needs to compromise and wear the dressy top to match the other bridesmaids. if notm then i would seriously tell her she doesnt need to be a part of my special day,
sorry but she doesnt sould like much of a friend if she isnt willing to work with you. oh and thanks for the thumbs down, you people are awesome!
well if she was a good friend she would realize that shes not the one getting married, its you and if she wants to participate she will wear the dress or you will get some one else to be the bridesmade… that is just self-centered that she wont wear what you need her to wear its your wedding…..
i hope i helped you out some
OK………..first of all YOU ARE A VERY GOOD FRIEND !
very understanding, I can tell you do not want to lose this friend, and that friendship means a lot to you.
How about her wearing a pants suit same color as the grooms men, like if they were black let her wear black with a white pin strip and a blouse that matches the color of the other girls dresses
ALSO, remember it is called maid or matron of HONOR.
It is THEIR honor that you asked them to be in YOUR wedding, this is your special day. Sometimes it is easier to write than to speak about certain uncomfortable situations. How about writting her a nice e-mail and explain how you feel about the entire situation and make it sound that she is an extremely important person in the wedding party and that you want everything to look just right and wouldnt want her to feel uncomfortable by not matching the others. Kinda reverse the situation and make it not sound like a problem to you, but that it could be for her.
OR
you can let her be exactly who she is and come as she wishes.
Congrats on the wedding….many happy years
What about a silk or satin shirt in the same color as the girls dresses? (not cotton but still dressy) it sounds like she may have small issue with her self-image, and while it is your day, sacrificing a life long friendship is not worth one day. if the wedding is next year, there is still time to find something suitable.
What about a suit? She can go to the misses department of just about any dept. store and find a huge variety of options. There’s some more feminine, some more plain, and a great selection of fabrics and colors. The variety of suits is huge these days. She can wear a plain shell under it with a pin or necklace of her choice.
Let her select a plain suit in the color you have chosen for the groomsmen. You know slacks, jacket, and a nice silky blouse that matches the bridesmaids. If THATS too girly for her then I don’t know what to tell you.
I agree with you that it’s wrong to force her to wear a dress and be totally uncomfortable. However, I think you have offered a good compromise and she’s not willing to take it. She has to meet you half way on this…
If she refuses I think this is a situation where nobody would call you a bridezilla for asking her to step down and just attend as a guest instead. You are bending over backwards to make her feel happy and comfortable and she doesn’t seem to appreciate that at all.
EDIT:
Ok so she’s butch lesbian, not lipstick…that makes more sense now. Put her in above suggestion, dark suit, shirt in the wedding colors. Just make it a little more tailored than if she had thrown on a mans tux (think Ellen). Just let her know that you don’t expect her to compromise “herself” by putting on tons of makeup and wearing a bunch of jewelry and heels but that the wedding photos are really important to you and you need them too look nice. If she’s dressed in men’s clothing it’s going to stick out like a sore thumb. My aunt’s girlfriends wear suits all the time and don’t feel “compromised”.
Click on the line below and scroll down, there are 3 pants suits that would be perfect (items 86109, 86110, & 86111). Also , you could get dresses for the other girls in the exact same fabric which comes in 50 different colors.
PS - It’s really nice of you not to go out of your way like this to make all your friends comfortable.
That’s a tough situation! Since she’s the maid of honor, she can certainly wear something different from the rest of the bridesmaids. What I did for my wedding was to allow the gals to choose thier own clothes. The bridesmaids had to agree on one thing (which the maid of homor also happened to choose). It was my wedding, so I had veto power.
There are some femenine tuxedo style pants available for women. She could wear those with a nice satin blouse and heels. That could actually look very attractive. Anything cut for a man would look frumpy on a woman, but there are slim-cut dressy trousers available for women.
I agree with you that it’s not right to force her to wear something she hates. I guess you have to decide whether her friendship is more important to you than her attire. She also may want to consider whether or not being the MoH is an honor that justifies a little compromise.
In the end, although many brides may not agree, a wedding is not really all about you. It is the celebration of two families joining together as one, with the support of their loved ones. It will be over in a flash, and you will probably only look at the pictures occasionally. The marriage, not the party, is what is truly important. If you feel that she is a good friend who will support you as you journey through life with your spouse, she deserves to be the MoH, even if she shows up in a potato sack. That being said, a little respect for your wishes and less drama on her part wouldn’t hurt, either. Crying over clothing seems a bit much to me.
Were I in your situation, I would go to a store like Nordstrom with her and seek out the help of a personal shopper. They are professionals. Image is what they sell. You give them the parameters (i.e: no dresses, formal please, feminine, under X number of dollars, here are the wedding colors) and you would be amazed with what they will come up with.
EDIT:
The fact that she is gay does not mean that she can’t wear something made for a woman. She is a woman, after all. It would be different if she was transgendered. Then, I suppose she would be you Man of Honor (nothing wrong with that). Since she identifies as a woman, she can certainly wear women’s clothing for the occasion. If she hates heels, the ballet flat suggstion is a good one. She can wear those with women’s tux pants. If the pants are long enough, she could wear “mannish” shoes and no one would notice. She could even wear women’s tux pants with a regular tuxedo shirt (preferrably tailored for a woman) with a tie that matched the groomsmen. I still think that a satin tuxedo shirt would look nicer on a woman, but that’s just me.
I have to respectfully disagree with the other posters who stated that “This is your day, so do what you want.” Having been married for about decade, and having born 2 children with my husband, I think they are wrong. The wedding may take primary importance in your mind right now. It certainly did to me when I was a bride. However, in the years to come, what memories do you want to take from the experience? It sounds to me like your MoH is a dear friend who will be around for the rest of your life. In light of her orientation, her crying does not seem nearly so dramatic. Still perhaps a bit over the top, but more understandable. If she is a more masculine person, and she matters to you, you may want to keep that in mind.
Even if she says she is OK with standing on the sidelines so that you can have nice pictures, do you want to do that? Keep your priorities straight. If she has serious moral problems with dressing in a girly manner, and you love her, that needs to be considered.
When my best friend got married, I was 9 months pregnant. I remember telling her of my pregnancy and letting her know that I was OK with her nixing me from the ceremony. After all, in the lovely (truly) navy chiffon dresses we’d all be wearing, I’d look like a huge blueberry. Very distracting. I was married about a year before she was. I recalled reading on some of the bridal websites questions from brides-to-be who wanted to kick pregnant friends out of their wedding. I thought that was rather shallow, but I kept that self-centered, Bridezilla attitude in mind when I spoke with her. We all get a bit self-involved when we are brides. That’s not so bad, considering the fact that if you have children, self-involvement is pretty much out the window for the next 20+ years. She was horrified that I felt the need to mention that option! She decided to go with a custom bridesmaid dress provider, who altered an enormous floor length dress in the same color (but a different style) for me. She did that because I was her friend, and it was important to her that I stand for her wedding. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me! She is the Godmother of my children. I love her like a sister.
You sound like you are truly interested in having your best friend be comfortable and involved in your wedding. Please, please, please do not allow outside influences to compromise that attitude. Repeat to yourself: She is more important to me than a freaking dress.
Again, check out a personal shopper (with your BFF) at a department store. Seriously. I think you may come up with an option that has everyone smiling.
Worst case scenario, she’ll wear the same tux as the groomsmen. Would that be so horrible? Really? How hurt would she be if you eliminated her from the ceremony because of a wordrobe issue?
She can still were a tux just don’t do the usual button down shirt. At my mom’s wedding a few years back my sister and i both wore tuxes (sort of). My mom wanted it this way as my brothers also wore tuxes. There are 4 of us - 2 girls and 2 boys. This was a second marriage for my mother and she wanted all of her children to give her away. My sister and i went to a tux shop and rented the tuxedo jackets only. Then purchased matching long black straight cut skirts. We had matching shoes that we purchased, very small heel and very basic. Instead of doing a regular button down dress shirt (like a guy) we purchased a really nice white lace like tank top to go underneath the jacket. We looked in sync with my brothers but still very feminine. Maybe she can do the same. You are the bride and she should compromise with you as much as possible. It is for only one day! At least you are taking her style an tastes in consideration because many other brides would not! If she is uncomfortable with a skirt then maybe you can find some nice feminine cut slacks to wear or maybe some gaucho style pants. They are some wear between pants and a skirt as long as they look dressy. If she continues to be difficult with clothing choices just tell her you have a certain look you would like for your wedding and that the 2 of you need to compromise.
Good Luck with you Wedding!
Hmm….
Strikes me she’s the one who’s being utterly unreasonable in this.
It probably wasn’t the best idea in the world to ask her to the job in the first instance.
Best thing you can do now is to give her a free hand to wear whatever she likes and as far as you’re concerned, just grin and bear it.
When it comes to the photos there’ll be plenty of opportunity to have photos taken not just of the whole party but of you with just the groom and the bridesmaids.
If your friend was being at all reasonable she’d have wanted to fit in with whatever you would have liked for just that one day — or even the couple of hours of the ceremony and immediately afterwards.
OK, maybe she isn’t girly. Maybe she’s flat chested, maybe she doesn’t like shaving her legs or whatever. But for those few hours surely she could shave her legs, shave her face, wear a padded bra or falsies or do whatever it takes to make her look like a girl for just a few hours. That’s what almost anyone else in the situation would do. But don’t quarrel with her over it. Just tell her she’s welcome to wear whatever she likes. And accept her in whatever she wears. The rest of the guests will have conformed to convention for the day. It’ll be her who’ll look odd.
A good thing is a white suit and some white satin slippers.
Stop catering to her. It sounds like you are spending way too much time and stress. Writing your post above was even too much time to be investing in it if you ask.me. Pick 4 outfits. Tell her she can wear any of them but has to choose. Did you ever think that it’s not fair to the other bridesmaids, how you have been bending over backward for this woman? There might be another girl who isn’t completely in love with the bridesmaid dress she has to wear but she’s kept her mouth shut out of respect for you and your day. It’s not fair. Your friend should not the the MOH if she isn’t going to act like one.
One option you could give her is to find any outfit she feels comfortable wearing with at least a blouse in whatever color the other bridesmaids are wearing, but retain veto power over it. Give her the option to wear the same color as the bridesmaids, the same color as the groomsmen, a combination thereof, whatever makes her happy so long as it’s not going to make you miserable. Then it’s on her head if she isn’t happy with the outfit and you hopefully won’t be subjected to another crying fit.
I do agree with the poster who said your friend sounds as though she has some serious self-image issues that are clouding matters a bit. I think you’re being a very good friend to try to find a compromise that will make her happy. Just make sure you don’t spend all your time and energy on placating one person who isn’t one of the people getting married.
I had the same problem, the way I fixed it was you know them pants that looks like skirts? I got her a pair of them and then I matched the color of the top to my other bridesmaid dresses. To balance it out and not look bad my husbands best man wore something different then the other groomsmen. Everyone thought it was creative and thought it was a good idea to let people know who was who. Nobody even knew the real reason why we did it.
I get that she doesn’t want to ‘compromise herself for others’ but what she’s not seeing is that she’s trying to make you compromise yourself for her.
This is your wedding, and the knowledge that she will have to comply to a specific dress code is something that should have been understood when she agreed to be the Maid of Honor.
That said, I do think it looks very nice when the Maid of Honor wears something different than the other girls, so her wearing dress pants instead of a skirt would look fine. The fact that she cried trying shirts on, to me, seems like a bright red flashing neon sign saying ‘MANIPULATOR’ to me.
I’ve looked at the seprates on David Bridal’s website, and while some of them are ridiculously frilly and girly, some are perfectly fine. How about Versatile Top #172? It looks like nothing more than a plain old tank top that you can get in your wedding color.
If she won’t even make that concession for you, I think it’s time to re-evaluate how much this ‘friendship’ means to the both of you.
seriously, if she accepted maid of honor, she also accepted what you want her to wear. it is a luxury for bridesmaids to have a say in what they wear. you pick something that you are comfortable with, whether or not she has a say in it. you have the last word.
i personally think a pants suit is inappropriate for a maid of honor in a wedding, but it’s your wedding.
Get her a two-piece skirt/suit like this one:
and tell her to stop being such a drama queen. How tiresome!
I can help as an online, free wedding planner. Email me and we can get started.
The fact that this woman has put you through this on your day is unacceptable. It sounds like you have jumped through hoops for her and it is time for you to put your foot down. This day isnt about her, its about you and since you have extended the effort to appease her and it looks like there is no pleasing her, I would then ask her if she really wants to do this for you. If she says yes, then tell her there has to be a compromise. It is for one day, you are not asking her to make a lifestyle change. Just one day and let her know that you really want her there, but you cant take much more stress, You have other bigger things to worry about to make your day go smoother..
I nice pair of Pallazzo pants with a slightly jewelled top should suffice - and let her wear her flats.
Sorry but for your friendship she should conform to your wedding attire. I don’t think she is being a true friend by being so rigid in refusing to wear a dress or gown. I am sorry, if she cannot conform, then tell her that you are not comfortable with her choices in attire and that maybe she should bow out gracefully and you will ask someone else. Her wearing pants and a button down shirt will look absolutely awful and detract and cause wagging tounges and gossip by people at the wedding. I know she has been your best friend, but it is your wedding not hers, and if she cannot wear an outfit that will fit into your scheme of things, then she shouldn’t be in the bridal party. You said you respect her for who she is and are afraid to hurt her, but is she being hurtful to you by her stubborness? It is a two way street here. You are way too nice. I don’t say you have to be a bridezilla, but it is your special day and it should be perfect in every way. So tell her that you cannot be comfortable with her refusal to wear a gown or dress or palazzo pants and a top, so ask her to bow out. If she is angry at you…was she really your friend? I really wonder. She seems like a spoiled brat to me. If she is bi or gay..that is not the point. For a day, she should conform to what you want and that is it!
If she was truly your friend she would suck it up for one day. You are not asking her to murder anyone, you are asking her to wear a dress. She is a woman and she should resemble one. If she cannot do this for you as a friend she really should not have accepted the position of maid of honor. You are going to have to explain to her that you have been more than flexible and accomodating and she has not. If she can’t abide by your wishes after you have been so gracious you need to remove her from the bridal party. Explaining of course that one of the responsibilities of being maid of honor is to dress approprately as such. Not wearing a dress or even something that resembles evening wear is not acceptable and if she cannot fufill the duty she can’t be part of the wedding party. This shouldn’t affect her beliefs or ideology ( i gather she is a lesbian from your comments) She needs to look presentable at an elegant function. This isn’t a ridiculous request. You have gone beyond compromise (compromise is when you meet in the middle - not when you give an inch and she takes a mile) and that is not fair to you.
The only other suggestion I could think of involves a skirt and is a military style dress. (pencil skirt & suit jacket) Like the women in the marines or army wear.
You know someone posted above that her behavior is not fair to your other bridesmaids. I think they are right. When you are a bridesmaid even if you really don’t like the dress you wear it anyway. I’m starting to think that she is trying to steal some attention here. Get a new maid of honor. After the crap this girl pulled your other bridesmaids will understand and someone will step up for you.
The wedding is about YOU not your selfish friend! It’s the bride’s choice and the bride’s day. If your friend cannot suck it up for one day then I suggest that you find another MoH because this woman is not a true friend. At one point in our lives we’re all going to have had to wear hideous bridesmaid dresses for our friends - that’s what friends are for.
a nice dress suit
You know, I’m getting married in Five weeks. I understand that you don’t want her to compromise herself, but at the same time
C’MON!! I know guys that would wear a dress (not gay!LOL) if that’s what the other bridesmaids are supposed to be wearing. Who she is has nothing to do with the outfit she wears as your maid of honour. If it did, there are a lot of compromised bridesmaids out there!
If she’s not willing to bend at least a little and help you out, you have to move on…..
and don’t worry about asking another bridesmaid…I was in that position three days before a friends wedding when her sister wasn’t able to make it. I was happy to be next in line!